Very toubled for a friend (trigger warning!)

I have just become quite good friends with someone and am finding out all of this horrific shit that is going on with her and her boyfriend. He’s a controlling, abusive, porn addicted asshole…. And I really don’t know how to respond to her other than what she usually gets, “Get the fuck out of it!” But she informed me that this is the first relationship she’s been in, where she’s actually scared to leave (which complicates things cuz if the guy might come after you, when you leave, well – it’s gotta be handled differently).

So some of the things he does: TRIGGER WARNING, I REPEAT, TRIGGER WARNING

He rips up her clothes if she’s not home when he wants her home, but then calls her a stupid cunt for not dressing pretty for him, but then if she does dress pretty for him – he accuses her of dressing pretty for other men.
He forces her to take naps with him when he’s in the mood to nap.
He forces her to watch porn with him, even though she finds it degrading and he knows it – he’ll also accuse her of viewing his porn without him, while he’s at work.
He cheats on her all the time and justifies it because she has a “slutty” past.
He makes fun of her for being sexually abused by her father and raped by two men on vacation.
He caused her to lose her job because he would call her at work pissed off and yelling (complete with verbal abuse).
He now verbally abuses her for not having a job, and if she goes to look for a job and isn’t home by the time he is – there is hell to pay by the time she gets home.
But the part that scares me more than anything – he’s choked her out before. And to make things worse for her – his parents showed up and blamed HER for it, and told her that she probably deserved it.

After he does these things to her – of course he’s all apologetic and sensitive about it – which sucks. I wish these asshole men, would just be assholes all the time because it would make it easier for women like this to get away.

It’s making me sick. I mean – I’m telling her that she should get the hell outta that relationship but I can’t force her. I wish I could. But I can’t, so I’m being her one support right now – which is quite exhausting to be honest. I’ve never delt with someone being in this sort of abuse situation. I’m worried I’ll either push her to leave too hard and she’ll be defiant but I’m also afraid of not pushing her hard enough to the point where I’m enabling her to stay… It’s a sticky line to walk…… I think hearing someone say to her “It is NOT okay, the way he is treating you.” is helping a lot – especially because he has his parents JUSTIFYING this fucking behavior. When she sees GROWN ADULTS acting like this is okay – it might make her question herself a bit. Especially with her past and she’s still quite young (21)… I think I’m chippin’ away at the wall and she trusts me…Hopefully she’ll get to the point where she trusts my judgement on the matter.

Any recommendations? What can I say? What can I do? As of now, I think her having someone to discuss it with is helping her move towards what she should do (leave) but man, this sucks! It breaks my heart. The next time I see her (which may be tomorrow) – I’m offering my services in the sense that I’ll go pick her and her things up during the week when he’s at work – if she decides she wants to leave (which I think is the only safe way to remove her from the situation). I haven’t had a chance to say that to her… If only abusive assholes came with signs….

2 Responses to “Very toubled for a friend (trigger warning!)”

  1. berryblade Says:

    Just make sure she knows that if she needs your support, somewhere safe to stay or someone to help her that you’re there.

    I hope she leaves this arsehole and that he stays far, far away from womyn.

  2. nuclearnight Says:

    oh fuck. i am so sorry. please tell her that she has support, that there are people who she doesn’t even know that will help her.

    i shouldn’t have read that but i opened a different browser and came back and read it.

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