Archive for August, 2010

Shelley Lubben and Research…

August 27, 2010

Okay, so I’ve been searching for dirt – and I’m just not finding any dirt on Shelley Lubben. On youtube – people keep claiming that we aren’t doing our research – right? They keep claiming that Shelley Lubben can’t be trusted or whatever, yet I can’t find any dirt.
Where are they getting THEIR research? Okay, I understand why people get annoyed sometimes, “Give me your links” or asking basic questions about feminism that can be easily found with a quick google search….if yer going to question other people’s research – you better be ready to offer up your own.
I googled her and I have found NO dirt on her. The ONLY dirt I found on her was someone who was complaining about how she doesn’t have a real degree in counseling (which WHATEVER… a lot of drug counseling is done with people who don’t have real degrees as well… So much for AA or NA etc and just about every state sanctioned drug abuse counseler).
So where is this dirt on Shelley Lubben? Seriously tattooskin – where is this research? Why are you all afraid to post your “research” in the low bar, you had to get your info that she can’t be trusted SOMEWHERE.
The messed up thing is that they don’t even say which things are not to be trusted about her (other than her believing in Christ – which is just a fundamentalist atheist knee jerk reaction). They don’t even say that she was never a porn star, they don’t even claim that she’s pocketing money… So what is this dirt?
They aren’t even saying “These testimonies are false, Shelley just made them up, they are people that never even worked in the sex industry.” They aren’t even saying that it is a lie she lost half of her cervix because of getting HPV working as a porn actress. SO what is this research that they have access to, that I can’t find ANYWHERE.
I mean, other than them being offended she’s a Christian – I can’t find anything. And seriously – I bet the worst dirt they could dig up on her – is that she spends donations on herself or something (which I doubt and WHATEVER, that kind of crap doesn’t really discredit all the other people with their testimonies on the website).
I SMELL bullshit. Unless someone can offer me up some links with GOOD CREDENTIALS – not some BS website pimping pornography out to people. Until I have hard evidence, what right do I have to assume she’s a liar and all the people she’s helped are either fake or liars as well?
Oh and there are always these claims that places like Pink Cross and a lot of the websites that are trying to reduce sex trafficking “can’t be trusted because they have an anti-porn angle and some of their funds go towards getting people to stop purchasing porn.” SO WHAT?!?!?! And where is YOUR research? Where is it? Coming straight from the multi-billion dollar porn industry? Is that the type of research YOU are willing to trust?!?! They have to be kidding, this kind of stupidity doesn’t exist in the west does it? (Dope, I guess there is that kind of stupidity).
These people make these claims – without offering ANY LINKS. Hmmmm, why is that? Why aren’t they offering any links up or THEIR research, which is so superior to my own?
It’s like any time someone mentions the horrors a lot of women face in the sex industry there has to be a stupid disclaimer pointing out, “I understand not ALL women are harmed the way these women were.” – otherwise people get their panties in a bunch. It would be like me showing up to a video about textile sweatshops and beling like, “Not all textile factories treat their employees like this.” LUDICROUS I tell ya!!
Anyway – I’d like to see any research on Shelley that people have found. Tattoo claims to read the feminists blogs from youtube, so if ya are reading this – offer up your “research” or shut up about it. Otherwise you are just acting like a bafoon.

Men are the center!!!

August 16, 2010

I think that being a feminist in a society that has embraced raunch culture can be really tiresome. I try to keep in mind that when women put men at the center of everything – it’s insecurity speaking. There are so many avenues in the media that give women the message that male attention (especially superficial, sexual attention) is to be placed on a pedestal. And then you combine that message with the message that we’ll never be “sexy” enough or “hot” enough… It’s enough to make the most intelligent, most secure women doubt themselves.

I have known SOOOOOOOO MANY women who I LOVED being around when no men were in the room (including my own biological sister), but then the second a penis walked into the room, I became invisible. It’s hard, REALLY hard, not to be offended – especially if they specifically pine for attention from the guy you happen to be dating. I know that personally, I feel really hurt by it. It’s a slap in the face, even when you understand it. One of the reasons I’ve rarely fell into drama about this shit though, is because I understand it – even if that behavior is really annoying to me.

I don’t get jealous, I’m not the type of woman that is OMG, my boyfriend checked you out, I HATE you now! But I get offended by being treated like that, by other women. Why do women do that? Why is getting some guys male gaze more important than how we treat other women? Why is a man thinking your hot, more important than how other women look on at your character?

You wanna know why this male gaze shit will NEVER be a security gainer? Because the same men you pined for attention from – will give other women attention, so what do you actually gain other than being one of the million? I see women pining for attention from men in relationships with their friends and it always boggles my mind. I mean – what do women gain from that? If he cheats on his girlfriend and you “one-up” her – some other woman is just going to “one-up” you AND you lost a good friend cuz of it. Because clearly if the guy is willing to sneak around on the woman he was with when YOU hooked up with him, he’s going to be willing to do it to you. It doesn’t mean you are “special” – it means that your friend happened to be dating a sneaky asshole. Or if a woman is just trying to get her friends boyfriend to check her out, what does she gain from it? I mean – women who don’t think other women pick up on this behavior are stupid. We see it, we get it and none of us really appreciate it – even if we aren’t willing to start a bunch of drama about it. IOW – is a male gaze worth women secretly disliking you and finding ways to avoid you? Because that’s where I end up – avoiding. I’ll avoid hanging out with such women in places where men are around… Because I want to connect on a real level. I WANT to have some good laughs and talk about things we generally don’t talk about around men.
It’s bad enough, you know – that when I’m hanging out in a room with all men – that I’m constantly being interrupted and talked over…. And to have that element when another woman is in the room is so fucking depressing to me (it’s ALSO a very VERY happy moment when I meet women who focus on talking to me in a room full of men). Not only do the men ignore the women but the other women ignore the other women (women are meant to be seen and not heard, right?). Why is it like that? Actually, nevermind, I know why it’s like that but how do we change it?
HOW do we convince women to rise above that petty shit? I know that the world would run a bit smoother (as well as female friendships/relationships) if we could rise above it. Not to mention – I think it would GREATLY improve relationships between the genders as well.

Inspired by these two videos:

Very toubled for a friend (trigger warning!)

August 2, 2010

I have just become quite good friends with someone and am finding out all of this horrific shit that is going on with her and her boyfriend. He’s a controlling, abusive, porn addicted asshole…. And I really don’t know how to respond to her other than what she usually gets, “Get the fuck out of it!” But she informed me that this is the first relationship she’s been in, where she’s actually scared to leave (which complicates things cuz if the guy might come after you, when you leave, well – it’s gotta be handled differently).

So some of the things he does: TRIGGER WARNING, I REPEAT, TRIGGER WARNING

He rips up her clothes if she’s not home when he wants her home, but then calls her a stupid cunt for not dressing pretty for him, but then if she does dress pretty for him – he accuses her of dressing pretty for other men.
He forces her to take naps with him when he’s in the mood to nap.
He forces her to watch porn with him, even though she finds it degrading and he knows it – he’ll also accuse her of viewing his porn without him, while he’s at work.
He cheats on her all the time and justifies it because she has a “slutty” past.
He makes fun of her for being sexually abused by her father and raped by two men on vacation.
He caused her to lose her job because he would call her at work pissed off and yelling (complete with verbal abuse).
He now verbally abuses her for not having a job, and if she goes to look for a job and isn’t home by the time he is – there is hell to pay by the time she gets home.
But the part that scares me more than anything – he’s choked her out before. And to make things worse for her – his parents showed up and blamed HER for it, and told her that she probably deserved it.

After he does these things to her – of course he’s all apologetic and sensitive about it – which sucks. I wish these asshole men, would just be assholes all the time because it would make it easier for women like this to get away.

It’s making me sick. I mean – I’m telling her that she should get the hell outta that relationship but I can’t force her. I wish I could. But I can’t, so I’m being her one support right now – which is quite exhausting to be honest. I’ve never delt with someone being in this sort of abuse situation. I’m worried I’ll either push her to leave too hard and she’ll be defiant but I’m also afraid of not pushing her hard enough to the point where I’m enabling her to stay… It’s a sticky line to walk…… I think hearing someone say to her “It is NOT okay, the way he is treating you.” is helping a lot – especially because he has his parents JUSTIFYING this fucking behavior. When she sees GROWN ADULTS acting like this is okay – it might make her question herself a bit. Especially with her past and she’s still quite young (21)… I think I’m chippin’ away at the wall and she trusts me…Hopefully she’ll get to the point where she trusts my judgement on the matter.

Any recommendations? What can I say? What can I do? As of now, I think her having someone to discuss it with is helping her move towards what she should do (leave) but man, this sucks! It breaks my heart. The next time I see her (which may be tomorrow) – I’m offering my services in the sense that I’ll go pick her and her things up during the week when he’s at work – if she decides she wants to leave (which I think is the only safe way to remove her from the situation). I haven’t had a chance to say that to her… If only abusive assholes came with signs….