Archive for November, 2009

Perception and values….

November 17, 2009

One thing that I get endlessly tired of is men who accuse me of being a misogynist, simply because I don’t like the random girl they decided to date that month (if you HAVE to have me like your girlfriend, try picking one that isn’t superficial).

I’ve had male friends whom dated girls that I would probably never have been friends with in any other context and when it came about (usually from someone trying to start to kiss another’s arse) that I didn’t like that girl – shit would hit the fan.

The first girl this situation came about with was the type of girl who was obsessed with male attention. It wasn’t that she graciously took compliments from men and that men were constantly into her or anything – but she constantly did things, said things etc to drum up male attention and it got on my nerves.  She was one of those girls that claimed to be bi-sexual but never actually dated women but rather, made out with women in front of men (I think you get my point).

We were all hanging out once and this same girl stated loud enough for me to hear, “I hate feminists.”  I’m not sure that she was aware of the fact that I consider myself a feminist but just hearing her say that made me grind my teeth – mostly because I know WHY she was saying it and that she probably didn’t mean it at all. She was saying it because she was hoping a bunch of guys would kiss her ass after it (a prime example of where many women think male opinions matter more than female opinions).  There were other times where she would do and say things that she KNEW would make me feel uncomfortable – like suggest a group porn watching session (being fully aware about my stance on pornography).  She constantly bragged about watching porn and erotica – and the only reason I figure she had to bring it up all the time was simply to make it seem like she was the “cool chick” – you know, the “cool chick” that watches porn with her boyfriends.

And aside from that shit, which is pretty regular shit that comes from women who know NOTHING about feminism – she pissed me off because she was a poser. She was one of those, “I listen to rap, techno etc” girls but then when she started dating a metal head, all of a sudden, she acted like she loved metal and tried to dress all “black metal” (all black, fishnet stockings, miniskirts with her asscheeks hanging out etc).  As a woman who actually likes metal – I get extremely tired of dealing with scene girls (groupies) who really don’t give a rats ass about the music and just pretend to love it to, you guessed it, drum up male attention. They are pretty easy to spot because they can’t just wear a metal t-shirt and feel like they are supporting the scene – they have to dress all “sexy” (in the alternative, suicide girls’ type way).  Okay – I’m not shaming women who decide to dress that way – they have the right to do it if they want – but I honestly – to the CORE of my mind – think that it comes off as desparate. Desparation is something I pity – not hate.

And really – the last straw I had with this girl was when she was trying to drum up sexual attention from my boyfriend.  It’s annoying enough to be hanging out with a bunch of guys and have to deal with one girl there who has to be the center of sexual attention all the time (which isn’t an uncommon scenerio) but when she’s trying to be the sexual center of MY BOYFRIEND’S attention, that’s when I took issue with her (personal issue). 

I also felt as though she’s racist. Did I mention the girl referred to her black male friends as her “chocolate boyz”. It always disgusted me. And she’d try and defend it because her friends didn’t care but the thing is – a lot of other people felt offended by it (like one of MY friends). It reminds me of those white fuckers who think it’s okay to say the n-word because they have a couple of friends who are cool with it. Guess what? Not all black people are down with that, not all blacks think it’s cute to refer to themselves as such. She also tried to use the “exotic” ticket with my friend – saying that she’s beautiful because she is black – not because she’s simply a beautiful person… Funk dat. The very fact that you have to make the distinction at all is a red flag. Whatever pasty poser (that’s how I refer to women/men who say racist shit but then justify it by saying they have black friends or dated black people). haha

Anyway – when this guy, seeing this girl, found out that I didn’t like his girlfriend, he decided to hold a meeting – simply to ostracize me for not liking his girlfriend AT THE BAR I FREQUENTED then. To add to it – he had to claim that I didn’t like her because I was jealous (why am I not surprised at this one?). He tried to make it out that I don’t like any girls who are as attractive as me because I’m angry that they are stealing all of that “sacred” (*snort) male attention away from me. For one – I never felt that that girl is more attractive than me or less attractive. I honestly didn’t give a fuck – her behavior was annoying and I shouldn’t have to pretend to be “down” with it to make other people feel comfortable with their shitty choices in human beings. Because literally – the second this guy left the room, she’d be strippin’ down to nearly nothing and layin’ on the flirtations very thick with every other guy in the room.

It was a fucking slap in the face because for one: that asshole KNEW that I didn’t give a fucking rats ass about getting male attention – I just didn’t want her sticking her ass and boobs in my boyfriends face, it felt like she was disrespecting me (I actually wasn’t worried about my boyfriend because he finds sexually aggressive women scary, haha). He tried to FORCE me into apologizing to her for not liking her.  He didn’t even TRY to talk to his girlfriend about her behavior and/or why it was rubbing me the wrong way – even after I explained it to him. I certainly would have explained it to her myself if I thought it would matter but I knew it wouldn’t. That was fairly evident when she lied and denied ever trying to get sexual attention from my boyfriend. My perspective in that entire situation was TOTALLY ignored. He even was like, “I know she never did that shit.” – it’s like, “thanks for calling me a liar dude” – every guy there up against me in that situation KNEW SHE WAS DOING THAT SHIT and not ONE of them defended me or agreed that her behavior was not very trust-worthy (even when she was caught on VIDEO making out with other guys and people finally told him all the other guys she had been sneakin’ around with – no one apologized to me for my concerns). 

Note: I’m not shaming her for sleeping around with a lot of guys –  I was calling her out for deceiving someone (a close friend of mine, at the time) who had it in his head that they were in a monogomous relationship. I didn’t have proof that she was cheating but her behavior sent red flags left and right.

Then he dated another girl who was similar to the girl he dated last and she was almost as annoying but probably not as much. The only reason she wasn’t as annoying was simply that she wasn’t as loud and as intrusive but she was a poser, none the less. When I first met her – she was all into wearing pink and girly colors by the end of that encounter – she was wearing black and trying really hard to be metal all the time (including the gauntlets she started wearing, ick).  

I still gave her a chance though – even though I had the creeping suspicion that this girl was just as much a poser as the last… When she started posting her naked “modeling” pics on myspace, I started liking her less.  For one – I think it comes off as totally conceited and guess what? I don’t like conceited people – whether they are male or female. If a guy had 3 HUGE pictures of himself on his profile page where he was trying to be super sexy, along with like 300 pictures of himself in the photos section, I would think, “Fucking conceited loser, this guy is obsessed with himself.”  For some reason – if I think it’s the same for women to do that shit, I get stereotyped as being jealous, catty etc. On her profile she brags about being creative, inventive etc And that’s the thing too – none of her modeling shoots were creative, none of them were anything new or inventive – they were the same tired photos with the “come fuck me” face.  She even did a bunch of those “violence against women” type shoots – where she pretended to be the victim of violence in her photos in a “sexy” way (way to go! Another asshole trying to eroticize violence against women).

So many women never stop to think about the opinions other women might have of the choices they make (like women who have been sexually assaulted and see nothing sexy about it). THEY even think that the male opinions hold more water – which is why I don’t have respect for it. I know that the major reason this girl has a million pictures of herself on myspace is because she is desparate for male attention, she needs people to feed her ego, she falsely gains her self-esteem via all of the guys, “yer hawt” comments. I am simpathetic as far as that goes, becaues I know that it is a self-esteem issue. I imagine it is for ANYONE who needs to have their picture, videos etc circulating through the population.

What really irritated me was when she decided to do a nude photo of herself pretending to have sex with a big ole cross. Fuck her. I hate religion, I’m not religious but I was brought up catholic… and that kind of shit is being totally assholeish. It’s one thing to totally critique religion – point out the strong/weak points but it’s quite another to insult it and totally mock the very things other people consider sacred.

Made me want to take a big shit in her cosmetics.

I have no desire to be friends with someone who claims that she is all creative but then goes and rips off the exorcist just because she thinks it will give all of those “alternative” boyz a boner. AT least when punk rock started using upside down crosses – there was a legit reason for it being backwards – and that was the general attitude that religion is backwards. I get the irony, I understand the symbolism behind an upside down cross but pretending to have sex with a cross?  Where is the symbolism in that? It’s just an attempt to be crude – as most porn tends to be. Yeah, maybe being crude is someone’s right under the first amendment but that won’t stop me from pointing out that it’s pathetic. I also went to some of the pages her photographers had and guess what? ALL of their models were in the same exact poses in separate pictures. I was just like WTF? Any self-respecting, ARTISTIC photographer isn’t going to keep creating the same imagery over and over and YET over again.

I use to have fun with one of my exes who would take me outside and we’d do some pictures but the thing is – I wasn’t trying to be “sexy” – nor was I trying to get naked either. I had a few of me FAR AWAY in a corn field. Another one is a picture of me on a bridge – letting a drag out from my cigarrette. So there is this pig puff of smoke covering my face. I’ve done other pictures that were simply about subject placement and coming up with interesting compositions. I think modeling CAN BE creative but 99.99% of it is the same tired, boring bullshit and only about creating boners, rather than perspectives.

The best part about this situation was that my boyfriend ended up getting into a huge argument with this girls’ boyfriend. So I at least wasn’t ostracized this time for not liking something, I simply just don’t like.

I still got called a bunch of names though – a woman hater, jealous etc etc etc (because men really can’t hold themselves back from gossiping – I confided in one of those assholes about not being excited about this girl and of course they had to run and tell). But isn’t it true that a true misogynist believes that a woman can’t possibly make rational decisions on her own? I mean, shit, women can’t decide which other women they like and want to be friends with! And there is NO possible way that women don’t like each other for any other reason than that they are jealous (that’s sarcasm, in case it wasn’t obvious). Oh and good looking women ALWAYS come with equivelant personalities (haha).

The whole situation really enraged me because I was accused of being a misogynist by people who don’t even know the term misogynist – and then to support their view that I’m a misogynist, they used a bunch of false stereotypes about women to make their point.  It NEVER crossed their minds that maybe I don’t want to be friends with people who treat me like shit and whom can’t be bothered to think beyond their own selfish needs and ends? Maybe I felt that I would be happier without the appearence obsessed women and men in my life?  I mean – I dated a guy who was obsessed with how he looked and he would always tell me I should get breast implants. I’ve also had friends in the past who would constantly ridicule how I dress and present myself and it would knock me down into depression. They couldn’t figure out that maybe I had no interest in that girl and that I actually didn’t hate her at all. Which is true. I don’t hate her, I didn’t even hate the girl before – I’m just not going to pretend to be friends with people who really rub me the wrong way and basically move against everything I move towards. My reasons for avoiding certain types of people (mostly superficial, appearence obsessed) is because they are like poison. If people like that destroy my self-esteem, what is the point in dealing with them?

Which is why I stopped being friends with those guys and why I’m more skeptical than ever of men.  I’ve always been one of those girls that guys consider “one of the guys” (although, they certainly don’t treat their female “guys” as an equal to their REAL guy friends). I always MOSTLY had male friends but after this insident – I woke up. I woke up and realized that men actually are assholes, self-centered assholes who when it comes down to it – treat women like sexbots that can’t make decisions for themselves. I decided that I would be happier without their shitty paternalism.

In the end – I actually disliked those guys more than the women they were dating. I can at least understand women who are obsessed with male attention (because of social pressures and both of the women in these situations were almost 10 yrs younger than me) – but I can’t relate to most men because they clearly don’t see women as equals.  They say they do, but they don’t. It took me a while to realize it but they treated me differently.  They called each other and I called them but rarely was I called. They also respected each others’ opinions and didn’t use shitty stereotypes to knock each other down – even when they had some of the same complaints I had.

I treated those guys like my brothers, hung out with them A LOT and after all of that, they go around saying that women can’t be trusted…. Well you know what – men can’t be trusted to treat women like real people who have a right to form their own opinions. And in the minds of those guys – I couldn’t be trusted, simply because I was unwilling to comply with their views. Fuck them. That ain’t punk rock. In fact, it’s too mainstream for my taste…

And what boils my blood, to the CORE in all of these situations is that no one else was expected to be friends with these annoying women. None of the guys were expected to be BFFs with them but I was, simply because I was born with a vagina and she was born with a vagina. Great fucking logic.


November 16, 2009

When I was first going down the path towards veganism, I often spent some time watching videos of animal abuse. The videos didn’t make me happy, they were quite depressing and often, I cried watching them.  Whenever someone questioned me and I started to question every reason I made the leap to veganism – I’d return to those videos or read more about the harms done onto animals to remind myself of why I stand where I do.

And as an anti-porn feminist – sometimes I DO need a reminder of why I am against porn. With all of the feminists trying to promote porn as sex-positive, sometimes it is very hard to keep my original opinion on the porn industry….

But that’s what this is for:

Sometimes reading these horrific personal stories makes me cry – but you know what? It’s a reminder of why I took this stance (or a reminder of one of my reasons)…

I wish “sex-positive” middle class feminists who actually have a choice about doing sex-work would stop trying to speak over these women and their struggles. And quite frankly – I wish they’d stop trying to gloss over the REASONS many are left to make this “choice”.

Free choices?

November 5, 2009

One of the things that irritates me  is how so many people try to make claims that they do things in compliance with what is expected of their gender without the influence of patriarchy.

I call bullshit.

And porn is no exception (but more likely a driving force) – doing or viewing.

I’ve had women tell me that they like wearing make-up, dresses, highHells etc because they like it or that they love to have a sense of fashion etc… And if you try and ask them WHY they like wearing those things, many will respond with, “I do it for myself”

Again, I smell bullshit.

HighHells do not exist for the consumers own comfort. Don’t fool yourself – even if you’ve worn them so often you can hardly tell (callous?).  When women “do this shite for themselves” it’s indirectly for themselves. It’s indirect because women are taught to value themselves by how men see them. It makes them feel good to feel attractive to men – so yeah, I won’t deny that they are doing it for themselves but they are also doing it through a second party – not independently. Women are taught to reduce themselves to how they look – so when I woman is trying hard to look good (in the sense of beauty standards) – she is not making that decision on her own, independent of patriarchal influences.

The truth is that we all make MOST of our decisions based on patriarchy – especially if we comply with what is considered “feminine” (and in the idiots minds – female), what is considered masculine (and in the idiots mind – male).

When I wear a dress to one of my cousins wedding – not only am I conforming to what other people consider “dressed up” for a woman but I’m also sucking the big dong of patriarchy. And being aware of this makes it increasingly hard for me to conform. It’s like a tug-a-war between wanting to be comfortable and not having to deal with societies scrutiny.

I can’t help but get really REALLY annoyed, especially with pro-porn feminists who try to claim that they create their own pornography independent of the patriarchy – It’s bullshit.  It’s also IMPOSSIBLE. And most of the feminist porn I have looked into holds most of the same shitty stereotypes and anyone who is more than thin is left out of the equation (how fucking feminist, yay!). I went to the abbey winters website just to have a look for myself (I didn’t watch any of the videos) and on the home page – guess what was plastered all over it? Lots of naked women. Women who were still fairly good looking, most of them white, and thin. The only revolutionary thing about it was that they actually had one or two women with A cup breasts… And that’s the thing – I still felt that all of these women were being objectified – they were being advertised as sexual beings and it’s nearly impossible to do this without being influenced by patriarchy. At least from the photos.  Heck – there wasn’t even ONE picture of a man – so much for all of us straight feminists who’d rather look at a naked man… I guess our desires or preferences aren’t included (no wonder so many people think all feminists are lesbians).

And you have to wonder – WHY it is that some feminists want their naked pictures and videos all over the internet and world? Could it be possible that they are conforming to the idea that women are valued for their bodies, rather than their minds?  Because in my own mind, the only way you could create TRUE feminist porn, is to totally do it independent of capitalism. What I mean is that I would consider a couple creating their own personal porn together – not to be spread around to other people – feminist porn.

The marketing of feminist porn automatically makes it unfeminist and it just goes back to women being viewed as sexual meat.

It reminds me of how I wrote a post on an old blog once about make-up… I was basically pointing out that women wear make-up – not because they have this instinct to wear it or that it’s some trait in born to women – it’s because patriarchy and beauty standards dictate that women should wear make-up. Someone actually (haha, I couldn’t believe it) tried to defend make-up as art! Trying to make it out like they wear make-up because they have this unbridled need to paint – so why not do it on their fucking face?

But that’s the thing – if make-up was really an art, and not a beauty standard – women wouldn’t put it on nearly the same, almost all of the time. I mean – look at the average Pamela Anderson type woman – they all have that thick black eyeliner, false eyelashes, waaaaaaaay too much blush…. Real fucking art!!!! I guess in a really weird kind of collective Andy Warhol type way, it could be considered art (er, or not).

Anyway – I was reminded of these types of discussions earlier today. I was talking to my boyfriend this morning and somehow gender came up… And he made some claim about how he dresses the way he dresses because he likes it… And of course – being the person I am, I asked, “Why do you like them, and why don’t you wear dresses?”

He was like, “I think dresses are ugly.” Which is a total bullshit lie because he says I look nice when I’m in a dress.

I think that when you ask a bunch of “Whys” it becomes undeniable that a lot of our choices are influenced (if not dictated) by patriarchal ideas on gender. A lot of straight boys, who are not transgender or transexual try on dresses when they are young.  I have a little cousin who has two sisters (he’s the boy out of triplets) and he always wants to put on dresses.  People have even made ignorant jokes about his sexuality but the reality is that gender is not an instinct, it is not something you decide to follow along with by your own volition and if you think so – you are in complete and total denial. It is LEARNED over time – through parents and peers and media. Just like the human taste for meat is LEARNED.

And I mean – why are so many people afraid to admit that they are conforming? I conform to some of the beauty standards (like shaving).  I honestly probably wouldn’t do it, if it wasn’t expected of women. If I didn’t have to deal with people going, “Eeeew, gross.” and other such annoying comments – I wouldn’t shave.  No woman can really claim that she shaves for other reasons than this. Especially if they are shaving their vag (and I’ve had woman tell me they decided to shave their vag without being influenced by society *snort).  I’ve even had women say that they shave because they like how their legs feel smooth and it’s like – yeah, well most media outlets attempt to make women look “smooth and soft” (I mean – look at every razor add, think about every soap add that includes women, lotions etc – there is a whole market out there devoted to keeping women smooth).  So when a woman says that she decided for herself that she likes smooth and soft legs (and honestly – you’d have smoother, softer legs with hair on them, than when it starts to grow in and is stubbly)  and that’s why she shaves – she isn’t looking into it deep enough and isn’t looking into how society teaches women to love smooth and soft – especially on themselves.

So yeah – your truth is really just a bunch of compliance 😛