Archive for October, 2009

but but but…

October 13, 2009

(sorry for the heterocentric rant but I’m not a lesbian or a gay man, so I can’t speak for either on this issue).

I was thinking about a blog I was reading sort of recently from feministing (it might have been even like 6 months + ago) where someone wrote into “Professor Foxy” about how she married a guy not knowing that he viewed pornography. She has ideological and personal reasons for opposing it and was struggling with how to deal with it. She was saying that she doesn’t feel comfortable telling him not to watch it but that she’d prefer it that he didn’t (especially because he was watching the degrading stuff). They didn’t have a discussion before they got married on their porn perspectives  (which is why she felt weird about telling him to stop).

Professor Foxy decided to do a little advertising for feminist porn (I think for her personal website too *eyeroll*) – telling her that she should get her husband to watch that kind of porn – rather than tell him not to watch it at all. She went into this long BS rant about how if a guy watches porn through puberty (funny how pro-porn folks always contradict this – they’ll claim fetishes aren’t formed by sexual reinforcement) that it somehow shapes their sexuality and it would be shameful to take that away from him (nevermind what dignity is taken away from the female spouse). Not to mention – I viewed porn during my teenage years (before I had boyfriends) and I’m not in any need of it now. I don’t feel like my sexuality was shaped by it and because I don’t think women and men are really any different (other than reinforced stereotypes and gender standards) – I really doubt porn has a stronger hold on men.

One of the guys on there started saying something about how women can’t tell a guy what porn to watch and that policing the type of porn he watches would lead to resentment.

It actually got me ALL riled up that this guy would insinuate that a male’s resentment somehow over-shadows any resentment a woman might feel knowing that her husband or boyfriend is getting off on degrading women. Here this guy is – on a FEMINST website – basically preaching that a woman should cater to what men want – otherwise she’ll have to deal with DUN DUN DUN HIS resentment (that f’ing scare tactic makes me want to puke – it’s like the guys who resent their girlfriends for not watching porn with them).

As a woman who has dated many guys who would have happily chosen porn (and sometimes did) over having a real, warm, breathing woman – I can assure you that those guys resentment was only a FRACTION of the resentment I felt (even when I forced them to throw it away or ruined it on my own). I mean – where are the woman’s feelings in all of this?  So I’m suppose to stifle the anger I feel – to tip-toe away from any resentment my boyfriend might feel? Funk dat… and really, how MORE misogynistic can you get?

I’ve gotten this type of  tripe before to get women to conform to male entitlement in MANY different ways. Guys who are abusive will use the same line of reasoning to justify their actions (but you got in the way! You annoyed me! You were nagging! So you deserved to be punched and kicked!).  And the real truth is that there would be no resenting if more men were just willing to get over their entitlement to use women as sexual objects and stop (or in many guys cases – stop using porn to fill in their insecurities). It isn’t that hard, it’s not the end of the world – chances are, it WILL make sex with a real woman much better (and maybe you’ll regain some of that creativity you lost in the generic mainstream porn genre).  The resentment starts with the guy going to those websites in the first place or bringing those videos into the home they share with a woman and people need to stop acting like it’s some kind of impulse or instinct because it isn’t – it’s a freakin’ choice. I say GOOD if he feels resentment that his wife looked at the history and found degrading porn on the family computer. I feel like my mom had EVERY RIGHT to do so. Especially (but not limited to)  a woman with children in the house. If guys don’t want to be with a woman who hates porn – they should just leave- if they HAVE to view it, find someone who wants to tolerate it.  Just as people who can’t be in monogamous relationships should just hook up with people who feel the same way. I don’t hate people who like to hook up with people or who “swing”  but in the same sense – it really bothers me that people cheat. I’m not talking about the “oops, I accidently made out with someone at the bar” type of cheating – I’m talking about guys (or women) who have multiple partners but hide it from their lone-term spouse.

Just last night, I heard Dr. Phil use this same line of thinking. He’s all, “Ladies, if you don’t wear make-up and dress all hot for your husbands, they’ll go out and cheat.” (I’m paraphrasing) He ignores how many men seem oblivious when their girlfriends or wives are dressed all hot because they are too busy ogling at the girl with the most cleavage (I’ve personally been in that situation plenty of times bein all flat and all) or dressed even “sexier”. Not to mention – men aren’t expected to go through the same kind of trouble to look good – so it’s bullshit for Dr. Phil to say that’s how to keep your man – suckin’ the big dong of patriarchy – it would be like me saying, “guys, if you want to keep your ladies – buy them Butt loads of expensive jewelry” (yay genderistic consumerism).

But now I want to address the advice given – to promote feminist porn for this woman’s resentment of her husband’s porn use. 

For one – if you really believe that a man’s sexuality is “shaped” by pornography because he viewed it during puberty – than what makes you think that non-degrading porn will have an effect on him or that he would even like it? He’s been sexualizing the degradation of women and getting off on that – not on visuals of sex and real female sexualities (if feminist porn even exhibits this – I have my doubts).

Secondly – people can control BAD sexual behavior and we expect it of people all the time… Rape? Sexually abusing children? bestiality? (and any other sexual behavior that involves a victim) Just because a man’s sexuality was formed by a type of behavior or stimulus – doesn’t give him a “get out of jail free” card. If you want to justify porn use because a man’s sexuality was based around it and if you want to justify it at a woman’s expense – than why not justify sexual molestation of children at the child’s expense? (I’m in no way saying that the horrors of child abuse are equal to the pain a woman suffers from men viewing porn – obviously women have a choice to leave the dip shit, children don’t have that choice). I’m making that point to specifically point out that the ways someone’s sexuality is formed isn’t justification for them exhibiting hurtful behavior – especially when people’s feelings, emotional well being and happiness are being affected by that behavior. Also – all of the people who claim porn isn’t addictive should really reconsider their opinions on this. If it isn’t addictive – than they should have zero problem leaving it behind for the woman they love – whether they viewed it during puberty or not.

Thirdly – I take a HUGE offense to any “feminist” that thinks it’s okay and actually expect women to stifle their own opinions and feelings on the subject because she might “repress” her husband.  As a woman who has dealt with men who are heavily into porn – they repress their sexualities through porn – not the other way around. When I dated guys and they gave up porn for me – they were much more intimate, they engaged and were more enthusiastic about sex (and wanted it more frequently – which I always invited) – it wasn’t just about “getting off”. But when they are viewing porn – they aren’t interested in sex (they act like it’s a chore). It’s almost like it kills the very human desire for real flesh and blood and that is TRUE repression. Also – why should I have to repress MY sexuality. If my man is too busy wanking to porn and avoiding actual sex – MY sexuality is being repressed, I’M the one who feels completely incompetent, completely unattractive and completely unable to live up to the fake, degrading sexualities being shown to the men viewing it.

More women need to stop stifling their feelings on this subject out of fear of losing their man. If a man runs off with his limp wee wee because his woman stands up for herself – he ain’t worth it. and GOOD RIDDANCE. We NEED to take our power back and stop living our lives in compliance with a male-centric world. I know waaaaaay too many women who live out every detail of their lives with the main focus being men. How can they give up their agency like that? Even if they think they are manipulating men – the real joke is on them. Keeping hiding in that denial and telling yourself that but nothing could be further from the truth.